Is your sweetie snooping into your private life, looking to see what you’re up to, into the life before you two met? Or maybe they suspect something may be going on currently. Maybe they think you might be cheating on them. Could they be digging for records of possible criminal activity or less nefarious but still unpleasant history? Why are they playing super sleuth?
Your partner’s activity begs the question: Do they have a right to know that which you have not yet – or may never– reveal to them? Are you upset because they are clandestinely seeking “the goods” on you instead of asking you directly or because they are seeking that information at all? How do you feel about that and what are you going to do about it?
How Do You Feel About Being Surveilled?
Why would your partner seek a third party rather than come to you? Do they lack the confidence to ask you face-to-face? Do they feel unequipped to confront you directly? Are they perhaps simply seeking reassurance that you’re “clean” without having an awkward conversation with you?
Has something in your relationship changed that would cause your partner to be concerned? Have the routines in your life together changed? For example, have you been coming home late after work frequently? Have you been evasive or vague responding to their questioning you about it? Have you been “gaslighting” them, assuring them that their suspicions are all in their head?
How’s your sex life lately? Has something changed in your level of intimacy with one another?
Have you considered that your mate may be extremely emotionally distraught because they’ve noticed changes in you that they can’t explain and that you haven’t explained to them? Maybe they need closure to feel secure again in the relationship. Maybe they want to know for sure if there’s a problem or not, and if there is, what that problem is, and have time to deal with it internally, mentally adjust to this new information and then decide how to approach you.
Justifying the Search
Do you condone active surveillance in general? If you learned from a friend that they hired a private investigator because they think their husband is having an extramarital affair, what’s your gut reaction to that? Then ask yourself if you would feel differently if the tables were turned and it’s YOUR mate that’s acquired the services of a private eye to investigate YOU?
What if it’s a new relationship and they just want to make sure they’re not making a mistake by getting involved with the wrong person? Maybe you met on an online dating site and they want to know things about you that you might not share … like you just got out of prison or are running scams on unsuspecting dating site subscribers to get their personal data, clean out their bank account, or do them physical harm?
So peace of mind, closure, and even reassurance that you’re not “going whacko in the head” are often reasons why your mate may want to pursue investigative work behind your back.
But what does that say about the level of trust s/he feels for you? Is there something subliminal they’re picking up? Could there be a personality flaw in your mate that might be behind them having an urge to check up on you? Are they overly possessive, jealous, vindictive, paranoid?
Have you breached trust with your mate in the past? Have you kept something from them before in the relationship and they discovered it? Did they confront you about it? If so, did you fess up or cover it up? Did you turn the tables and deflect the accusations by telling them it was THEIR actions or behavior that were suspicious in order to get the heat off you? Was there an incident in their past they told you about, something that occurred before you were a couple, that you think might be reoccurring?
Are people checking up on their mates more these days than in the past because of technology? I believe that’s part of the reason. Before the internet, social media, smartphones with GPS, video and audio recorders, and home security systems, personal information wasn’t so easy to acquire. Is it simply tempting to do a little snooping, for curiosity’s sake? Are they tempted just this one time to see if you’re on the level, that you’re being honest with them? Do they like to “check-in” periodically to see if something has changed? If so, at what point do you stop the search and trust each other?
Relationships Are Repairable
I believe that most relationships are repairable if people want to repair them. An infraction doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed; you and your partner are the deciders of that.
Make sure you’re not:
· Bringing trust baggage from a previous relationship
· Wrecking your relationship with your own insecurities
· Digging to find something (If you are, you probably don’t need to be in a relationship right now)
· Justifying your reason to dig
· Listening to friends that are encouraging your behavior