What I Learned From My Divorce

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We each have the capacity to form a lasting relationship, have a successful marriage, even after having an unsuccessful one. How do I know? All divorcees know (I’m one of them) deep down that if they want a marriage to work, it takes more than just physical attraction and the right chemistry. It’s a hard lesson, but divorce is an effective teacher. What did being married and divorced teach you?

 

Look Inward

·         That the hurt you may be experiencing now will pass?

·         That you are making a conscious decision to be happier?

·         That you’re keeping your sense of humor and laughing?

·         The need to build and protect your self-worth and confidence?

·         To open your eyes to all the possibilities that lie in front of you?

·         That there’s a reason why you’re where you are. Living and loving is a lesson.

·         That happiness is up to you to figure it out?

·         That you’re not responsible for making your spouse happy?

·         To forgive yourself and your spouse for the failure?

·         That the failed marriage wasn’t the exclusive fault of either of you; you each played a part?

·         That you want to avoid making the same mistakes you made in the past?

·         The need to explore what’s important to you in a marriage?

·         To let go of past disturbing emotions connected to your past marriage?

·         To not let what others think about you control how you feel about yourself?

·         Get to know yourself?

 

Support from Different Sources

·         That it’s important to surround yourself with people who believe in you and express their support and affection?

·         To not disengage from the people you love? You could lose them for good.

·         That when choosing a new mate, to look for someone who admires your strengths, accomplishments, inner beauty, and your incredible resiliency and potential … someone who believes in you, and supports your passions and dreams?

·         To be dependable? You and your mate can count on one another to be there, for help, in troubled times?

 

Encourage Intimacy

·         That intimacy can grow if you let it?

·         Do you allow yourself to experience intimacy to its fullest depths?

·         That you have the capability to be intimate with someone?

·         That you should try to be physically intimate frequently in your new relationship?

·         To be accepting and caring?

·         To practice selflessness – not always, but when it seems to be needed?

·         To tell your mate regularly how much you think of them and love them?

·         To flirt with each other?               

·         To give your best self to your partner? Look your best? Dress up when you go out together?

·         Create an environment where happiness will flourish?

·         To be committed to the relationship?

·         To not create unnecessary stress or conflict? In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff?

·         To express genuine love and encouragement?

·         To keep fit? That fatigue, low energy level, excess weight, and lack of stamina can affect your libido – and your mate’s libido?

 

Communicate Fully

·         To give your mate your undivided attention when communicating?

·         That when something bothers you about your mate, bring it out in the open right away rather than let it fester or grow out of proportion?

·         To not hold resentment?

·         That marriage is a compromise? That sometimes we need to give up the things we want to do for the things our partner wants to do – and it works both ways?

·         To do things together often … not just the things you’re expected to do, but fun things, activities that your partner and you both enjoy?

·         To be happy and grateful for the time you spend exploring life together and tell this to one another?

               

Put the Kids First

·         To love and nurture our children?

·         That we must make personal sacrifices for our children?

·         That sometimes those sacrifices come at the expense of our personal goals?

·         That the reward for what we do for our kids is seeing that they are happy, flourishing, and well-adjusted?

·         Our kids deserve a life that is promising, fulfilling, filled with love and affection?

·         That they don’t deserve a parent who expresses misery?

·         That our kids deserve to continue relationships with their family and friends after the divorce – especially the non-custodial parent?

·         To not take out our marital pain, frustration, anger, vindictiveness, on the kids?

·         To not put a wedge between our kids and their other parent?

·         To not vent your frustration or anger or make nasty comments about your ex to your kids or in front of the kids?

·         To not communicate publicly, including on social media, about anything related to you and your ex?

·         To not use your kids as messengers between you and your ex?

·         To not put our kids in the middle, making them witnesses of disruptive communication between you and your ex?

 

There Is Hope; Change Is Possible

·         That huge changes are possible?

·         That it’s up to you to make them happen?

·         That we are alive for only so long. The sooner we start spending time doing things that make us happy, the sooner we’ll heal from our previous marriage and be ready to love again?

·         That when we are happy from within, we attract others?