So you put on a few pounds since you met your new mate? When you discovered the love of your life you were trim and buff. Heads would turn when you dressed up and went out on the town. Then, in the bliss of new love, you let things slip. You felt on top of the world and in the back of your mind, you thought that look and that feeling wouldn’t change. The good part is, that feeling about your partner hasn’t changed, but your shape has!
The question is, has his/her feelings changed? Could it be because he/she was put off by your slightly more rotund physical appearance or because you weren’t comfortable being yourself at your new weight, which resulted in your behaving insecurely; was THAT what he/she was reacting to? Or were they reacting any differently at all? Maybe you’re imagining it?
Sheesh … there you go again, second-guessing yourself. See how insecurities can make you go around in circles, question yourself, imagine how others perceive you? You can’t sustain those feelings and the see-sawing of self-doubt … and neither can your mate, probably. Something will give eventually in the relationship if you keep that up. What you created was something out of your questioning imagination that turned into what we call a self-fulfilling prophesy, where what you predicted caused itself to become true.
When you break it down, feeling insecure and lacking confidence will likely create scenarios where your worst thought – or nightmare – manifests itself into existence because you believed it would. And when you believe something is so, you behave in a way that supports that belief.
See how that works? Now let’s look at how your insecurities can bleed over into other aspects of your relationship.
Let’s say you get it in your head that your partner is cheating on you. Why do you think this? Because you feel insecure about whether your boyfriend/girlfriend is getting what they want out of the relationship. Maybe it was something they said. It could have been an innocent remark they made about how they had an interesting lunch conversation with a colleague of the opposite gender. Your mind questions this lunch. Is he/she having an affair? At some point, you’re going to blurt out your suspicions. It may sound like an accusation. It might turn ugly and the two of you get tangled in an argument. You may keep looking for reassurances that you are loved and cherished. You may gradually push your lover away with your unfounded fears.
Not feeling worthy can result in backing off emotionally from your mate. You might shun his/her affection and attention, lose the ability to engage with one another because you started shutting him/her off. How do you think they will feel when you do that? They’ll feel rejected too. They’ll sense that something isn’t going right and maybe it’s not going to work between the two of you.
What just happened here? You shut down to protect yourself and didn’t give yourself the opportunity to experience happiness together. You didn’t give happiness a chance.
Expecting Your Partner to Make You Whole
Maybe you think that if your sweetie loves you, THAT, in itself, will make you feel more valuable and confident. What you’re doing is depending on another person to validate your self-worth. Only you can make you worthy. Only you can fix your insecurities. Stop waiting for your sweetie – or anyone else for that matter – to make you feel good about yourself. No one should assign anyone that power over you or you will surely go down the rabbit hole. You are uniquely you and that’s what attracted your sweetheart to you in the first place. Cut the strings and bring back that person that you were. It’s the path to freedom to be you.
Working Your Way Back to Independence
· If you put on a few pounds, take them off. I work on my weight because it makes me more confident in life and my relationships. Going to Weight Watchers and practicing yoga helps me feel good about myself.
· Say what’s on your mind when you’re having conflicts with your mate. Resist the urge to avoid unpleasantness. Share your feelings with one another thoroughly about disagreements. It might sting now, but it will strengthen like a muscle that gets exercise and your relationship will be all the stronger in the long-term.
· Facing your problems without fear will help you grow closer to your partner. Never mince words with each other and you will develop trust so strong that you can tell your partner anything that’s on your mind.
· Ease up on being so self-centered. Stop chasing shadows and monsters that don’t exist.
· Stop hanging on every word he/she says, looking for hidden meanings. Stop obsessing.
· Control your paranoia. Resist snooping around their stuff (emails, text messages, social media posts) and learn to trust. If you persist in combing through their stuff, you’ll have broken a sacred trust between the two of you.
· Give yourself repeated pep talks. Whenever you’re feeling insecure, tell yourself, “What I’m thinking right now is a fiction of my active imagination. It doesn’t exist. I’m in control of my thoughts and I chose not to continue having this one.”
· Show compassion and understanding when encountering problems in the relationship. Don’t get caught up in trying to defend yourself about something you “know” is right … because you know what? … your mate will respond defensively, right back in your face; it’s a natural human response. Try to become comfortable not assigning “right” or “wrong” to disagreements.